Consensual Non-monogamy as a Practice, Stigma, and Social Movement

Abstract

Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) encompasses any relationship(s) in which all parties agree that they can have multiple sexual and/or romantic partners. CNM has seen increased visibility in the form of representation in popular media and even legal gains. This momentum comes as somewhat of a puzzle due to nearly ubiquitous societal mononormativity. Mononormativity refers to the societal phenomena that signal that monogamy is the only “true” or “good” relationship structure, that reward people for being monogamous, and punish them for not. In order to better understand CNM against the backdrop of both increased visibility and pervasive mononormativity, I ask, how do the consensually non-monogamous define their CNM, encounter mononormativity, and legitimate CNM as a social movement? I draw from 44 in-depth, semi-structured interviews with laypeople who practice CNM, and 17 in-depth, semi-structured interviews with key actors in CNM advocacy and/or activism. I supplement the interviews with content analysis of webpages and articles about the work that these key actors perform, as well as books about CNM produced by these actors. I find that most people define their CNM not by sex, but instead by notions of emotional intimacy and morality. Respondents experienced mononormativity in two forms: anticipated stigma, or expectations that others would treat them poorly, and received stigma, or direct experiences of discrimination. CNM activists engage in two main discursive strategies: so-called sexual libertarianism—expressions that sex is positive, joyous, and has multiple meanings beyond showing love in a marital heterosexual context—and what I call familial libertarianism—expressions that families are any unit that provide love, care, and resources, and that there are multiple valid kinds of families beyond two-parent nuclear ones. The findings illustrate the necessity for a sociology of relationships, within which sexualities are housed, that adequately addresses the link between sex and emotionally intimate relationships, be them romantic or familial. The study also reveals mononormativity’s embeddedness in critically important institutions, such as the family, and even to those seemingly unrelated to sex and romance, such as the workplace. Finally, the findings invite us to better theorize the relationship between sexuality and morality, as, rather than trying to decouple morality from sexuality, CNM practitioners assert that their sexual practice is moral.